Some sections skew overtly technical, mostly in the chapters that use psychiatrists Erik Erikson and Judith Herman’s theories to expose the long-reaching impact of negative early-life experiences and gay men’s responses to stigma and shame. But as a package, Odets’ trifecta of social commentary, memoir and therapeutic analysis is an astute statement on how to overcome trauma, loss and isolation to live a proud, self-actualized and fulfilling existence as a gay man ... Perhaps the most resonant (and tears-inducing) segments of Out of the Shadows are Odets’ recollections of personal traumas, including the death of his mother when he was a child. The final two chapters in which he describes the long road to coming out and his deep love for his lifelong companion, Matthias, and Matthias’ partner, Hank, are some of the most on-point and beautifully written thoughts on love, acceptance and family I’ve read in some time.

Some of these case studies (and the conclusions Odets draws from them) feel dated and not particularly profound, and Odets is at his best when focusing less on his patients and more on the gay men with whom he has shared his own life. Out of the Shadows finds its purpose in its strong last two chapters, including an extraordinary one focused on Odets’s small chosen family of friends and lovers. Here, his writing is poignant and achingly beautiful—so much so, in fact, that I occasionally had to put the book down to avoid weeping on the subway. There’s sadness in Odets’s life story, but there’s mostly resilience, tenderness and a willingness to fashion an unapologetic gay life, sometimes against all odds. (The exquisitely told story of Odets’s longtime friend and lover, who fled a trailer he shared with a brutally homophobic family and built a life bursting with meaning and intimacy, is the most compelling story of gay self-actualization I’ve ever encountered.)

Out of the Shadows balances its bleak portraits with a faith in therapeutic self-reflection. Odets’s clinical method is to help patients make unconscious feelings available for conscious assessment, so that deeply ingrained behaviors can be recognized and altered ... But what does the book promise for gay communities, collectively? Odets is committed to the idea of diversity but only sporadically attentive to its practices. He criticizes marriage politics for marginalizing 'nonconformers' and fracturing gay social worlds, but his proposed solution to those failures is perhaps even more atomizing ... his scale of analysis—and the tautological imperative that 'we act out of who we are'—risks further narrowing our imagination. Which may be inevitable, given Odets’s therapeutic aims. He writes perceptively about the more local task of constructing an identity with others, risking the vulnerabilities of love and sex without the safety net of social sanction. That challenge still defines gay lives. I should probably confess my deep aversion to the language of 'authenticity' that Odets so values ... Having read Out of the Shadows, I still don’t know if my gay identity is 'whole' or 'expressive of internal agency,' or if I’m acting out of the me that’s most me ... I trust that Odets has saved many...and his book might save many more.

...an insightful and thought-provoking book ... While mostly accessible to a general readership, parts of the book remain technical despite the author’s practice of consigning the thorniest of these sections to endnotes. Nevertheless, a luminous humanity shines through, never more so than in the final chapter, the author’s highly empathetic, memorable story of the three men he has loved.

Odets speaks to that ongoing need, putting a lot of welcome emphasis on the ongoing—ongoing as in present-day, ongoing as in urgent ... In this book, Odets can still work up as much passion about the ongoing HIV epidemic as he can about the ongoing fight for self-acceptance and authenticity, giving as much space to the trauma of HIV-related trauma as he does to childhood trauma ... That Odets goes to such depths about HIV is one heartbeat in a book full of heart ... Sometimes that sentiment can expose what seem to be conflicts and contradictions; for example, while Odets is concerned that marriage politics is marginalizing 'nonconformers,' his language often employs the word 'family.' This is especially true in the last section of the book, which turns strictly to memoir ... Perhaps a little more attention to queer theory might have helped Odets think outside the box of 'family,' which is part and parcel of the language of marriage. Nevertheless, Odets doles out advice which is for the larger part impressively sound and based on a wealth of research and experience.

... a humanistic narrative. The work is especially distinctive in its combination of solid social science and heartfelt compassion...The stated primary audience is gay men, but Odets believes that all can profit from and recognize themselves in the emotional content—and he's right. Nearly anyone interested in how much people are alike, despite differences in sexual orientation, will find much to appreciate.

In this soaring combination of social critique, memoir, and manifesto, Odets ... highlights—with literary flair—shared trauma, stigma, shame, and suffering that he sees as particular to gay men’s experience in America, often contributing to a compromised existence of failed conformity to social norms ... His discussions of gay men’s sexual expression and relationships are frank, compassionate, and open-minded ... Odets’s greatest strengths are his moving prose and ability to make the psychological material accessible and as fascinating and thought-provoking as the poignant stories. Gay men will find much to ponder here, but any reader can find meaning in this extraordinary, stirring invitation to re-examine assumptions about what it means to be gay and to have a good life.

The author’s writing is perceptive and honest, as he openly discusses relationships and sex and accurately relates the struggles each generation has experienced ... Odets convincingly argues for the benefits of talk therapy, with each story revealing how some level of personal growth was achieved. One issue: Though his cases reflect a broad range of ethnic and racial examples, the overwhelming majority of his profiles are about affluent individuals, all of whom can afford years of ongoing therapy. Though it could have been even more diverse in its presentation, this is an encouraging and deeply compelling study of how gay men can build meaningful identities.