The Secret Life of Secrets reveals the universal nature of our secrets, how they relate to our relationships and well-being—offering insights that help us make better choices.
If nothing else, this book salves the sense that I have of a full closet bursting with unmentionable deeds and flaws—that if anyone saw the true me, they would flee...If that’s the case, it’s the case for everyone...Over years of research, Mr. Slepian has cataloged the secrets kept by 50,000 respondents...Most secrets involve one of 38 experiences...The most commonly kept involve lies, romantic desire, finances and sexual behavior: 97% of people say they’ve kept something in one of these 38 areas secret from someone...On average, the people studied kept secrets in 13 areas, and in five they kept complete secrets—not telling a soul...It seems almost all of us have something to hide...A book about secrets is necessarily more than a book about secrets...It’s also about social judgment, and about mind-wandering, to explain why secrecy nags at us...And about theory of mind, the ability to think about what others are thinking...Unfortunately, this book has little to say specifically about these trends vis-à-vis the internet...The book is not all studies...It contains several vivid anecdotes...Melody Casson smothered her baby and confessed 52 years later...Mr. Slepian learned as an adult that he and his brother came from sperm donors...Those secrets were eventually revealed...What’s most striking is that they remained secrets for so long...Broadly speaking, you may want criminal or immoral activity exposed, but I find its occasional seclusion an acceptable price for the fact that, even in a world awash in freely flowing data, secrecy survives.
Columbia Business School professor Slepian’s astute debut pulls back the curtain on the psychology of secrets...Drawing on his own research, the author examines 'why we keep secrets, how they affect us in ways that you might not be aware of, and how to thrive while carrying them'...He explores the cultural dimension of secrets...Interpreting survey responses, Slepian identifies the 38 most common types of secrets...Encourages readers to share their secrets with loved ones but concedes that might not be best in all situations, so he provides strategies for coping that include reminding oneself of 'how keeping your secret benefits others'...Slepian’s research, anchored by an original survey of 50,000 people, provides illuminating insight into an overlooked area of psychology, though some readers may find the abundant statistical analyses a bit tedious...Overall, this sharp take on secrets has a lot to offer.
Behavioral scientist Slepian, a professor of leadership and ethics at Columbia, draws on his research with some 50,000 participants in 26 countries as well as copious studies by other researchers to examine why, how, and to what effect people keep secrets...Distinguishing between secrecy and privacy, he considers secrecy 'as an intention to hold specific information back, and privacy as a reflection of how much you broadcast personal information'...While some secrets may feel burdensome, others may not...The author is most concerned, though, with secrets that make people feel helpless, alone, and unsupported...The negative impact of secrets, he writes, 'comes from having those secrets occupy our thoughts'...Perceiving a secret as immoral generates feelings of shame...Slepian suggests three coping strategies for gaining insight: realizing that past mistakes are in the past and need not blight the present; realizing that keeping a secret may benefit others and so have a positive value; and acknowledging that the secret may benefit you...A close look at widespread human behavior...An accessible, empathetic book.
